1 Honda Pilot, filled to the brim
6 cups unsweetened black tea
1 aluminum and nylon tent
5 down sleeping bags (that you’ll regret in bearing-down Idaho heat)
5 air mats
4 road warriors
Preheat summer to 98 degrees. Set alarm for 5:16. Fanagle three tween/teens out of their crack-of-dawn stupor. After emptying the cat litter, watering the lawn, and grading three papers, fold tufts of oldest daughter’s hair into two French braids.
Load the Pilot with said ingredients. Use whatever utensils are at your disposal to shift items until they snugly roast inside.
Snake through rush hour in two overcrowded Colorado cities; don’t over-stir. When the summer heat has reached 98 degrees, spin the tires on the open road.
Pause cook time just three times to add more fuel and remove unwanted bits from all ingredients.
If you follow these instructions exactly, you’ll be able to baste your finest cuts in the pool after four states, five mountain ranges, and seven hundred miles in just eleven hours.
Serve on a picnic table in the shade. Bon appetit.