December (2011) Daughters

Riona

you tiptoe across carpet
in froggy footed pajamas
the small smile on your cheeks
as you wait for your turn
under the tree.

your sisters pick out gifts
easily identifiable
and we ask you what Santa
brought for little Riona.

you keep your small sweet smile
your eyes focused on a small box
of green marshmallow Peeps.
your little hands pick it up
and without a word you nod.

i hold back tears.
in five years i have instilled nothing
in the pure and grateful heart
you came into this world with
overlooking the bicycle next to the tree
for a candy you don’t even like
and i remember just why we are here.

Mythili

you won’t sleep on long drives
as your sisters snooze away
you play games with your dolls
tell stories about adventures with Mama
and make song requests.

you have lyrics memorized
to songs i didn’t even realize
the words to myself

your favorite this month?
“If I Had a Million Dollars”
to which every last non-singing note
spills from your lips
in a harmony of artistry
from the back seat of the van.

Isabella

she only loves you.
her almost-two hands push me away
with her classic dirty look.

she can’t say your name yet
but grins when you help her dress
take her to the potty
put food on her plate.

your almost-nine hands
are the perfect match
for your young cousin
and you proudly announce to the world
what an amazing child you are.

Grateful Grin and All

the sun has set in cloudville, but
on the drive home the clouds clear,
a starlit sky to bring in Santa,
who sits up setting up a bicycle
and filling stockings with little girl joys.

the clock ticks on. he is
as silent as the sacred night
and i know (i know)
he will let my tears slide
into the passenger’s view
of the endless drive.

they awaken (not too early)
and my unassuming five-year-old
overlooks the bicycle beside the tree,
pointing instead, grateful grin and all,
to the green Christmas tree Peeps,
the simplest gift of gratitude
that i ache to gather in my arms.

(if i could love)
if i could have for one moment
the beautiful temperament
she came into the world with,
the sadness surrounding my heart
would melt away with the first bite
of overly sweetened marshmallow.

Seven Days

i haven’t seen the sun in seven days.
skeletal trees hold clouds in palms
and the curtainless window wakes me

my girls shuffle in sleep. i hear
sucking fingers and early-morning moans.
i stare at the sky, wait for blue

it is warm enough for a bike ride
(it almost always is) and i move along curves,
pedaling up and down the hills of the Smokies

these are the oldest mountains in the world,
but their early morning mist is gone by the time
i move into cooler-than-i-thought wind

i forgot my bolero but my hands in leather gloves
attempt to pulse hot blood through my veins.
i feel my atoms coming together (please make me warm)

it is Christmas Eve.
i haven’t seen the sun in seven days
and i can never, never, never be her.

Over

over the hills and through the woods
we’ve driven as far as we’ll go
we walk the streets with icy hands
and dream of a Christmas with snow.

over the river and through the woods
to grandmother’s house we go
if only we could turn back the clock
and make this Christmas glow.

under the mist and through the rain
we don’t say what we know
that nothing is like the song we sing
and Christmas is filled with woe.

over the miles and through the night
we’ve left behind the snow
our Christmas is green with rain instead
and we wait for the love to flow.

Sacred Love

we bring forth a newfound joy
that with this season we employ
family revisited in a new light
bringing brightness to the night

love is too full to trap inside
the doors of the home where we reside
if others could see the beauty we share
they’d learn to truly love and care

but for now we can keep our sacred love
as gloriously sweet as the season’s dove
families connected in a bond so true
we could never define he, she, me, you.

Underbelly

we are here now,
sister, brother-in-law, niece,
grandparents who have filled
the underbelly of the tree
with Wal-mart’s
explosion of Chinese reality.

he and i lie in the dark
on our basement floor mattress,
the tint of the waning moon
lingering light upon his whiskered face.

Santa has already arrived,
stripped down because
the underbelly of the tree
regurgitated its recklessness.

i will never forget,
i tell him,
this time at my own
grandparents’ house,
when my mother,
her measly salary
half of my father’s pittance,
after seeing the
gifts my grandmother
inundated us with,
turned to him and said,
‘I hate being poor.‘

i try to remember this
as we rise before the sun,
set up the camera
in anticipation of their anxious faces,
and spend hours
exchanging money, goods
from the underbelly of the tree
that seems to mock,
wealth, wealth, wealth
with its shedding branches
that drop needles
like tears onto the hardwood.

Christmas Come Early

the tears disappear
as we light the fire
and with Amaretto in my belly
and Christmas music
dancing its way across the room,
they talk us into
Christmas come early.

it is only a few hours, really,
and the daylight
would steal the mood
we have set from years past.

ten minutes later,
the few gifts are opened,
and three little girls
play dress-up,
performing their
latest dance songs
for the video camera.

this is as small and simple
as i would ever like it to be:
the Scotch pine,
the warm fire,
the relishing of items
shared by all,
the love of what is here
and what is not here
all in the same moment.

Christmastime Glitter

it could be the lights
twinkling like miniatures stars
or the people walking
hand in hand,
or the horses’ hooves
that sparkle
in Christmastime glitter

or it could be
the three little girls
in footed pajamas
covered in heavy coats,
fleecy hats, and snow boots,
drawing attention
from passersby
about our new fashion trend.

it could be the
fresh baked zucchini cake
with sprinkly cream cheese frosting,
the hot eggnog latte,
the grasshopper chocolate,
that ride down into our stomachs
on a warm sled of delectability.

whatever it is,
the lights, the girls, the food,
it is home, city, love.

Cold

the cold has set in
marching our hands to our mouths
our breath escaping
into the Christmas-lit night
as if carried by ghosts.

i listen to my favorite song
by Jakob Dylan,
summer on my mind.
if it refuses to snow
then i refuse to accept
that winter is only days away.

the cold has set in
creeping into my skin
reminding me
of the darkness behind the light
the hollow hiding behind this night.

Enough

two months and half a day later
we have three grocery sacks
filled with homemade breads,
a peach box filled with apple butter jars,
miniature bags of homemade candy
and an early Christmas gift
for everyone we know.

it could be more, it could be less.
sometimes i wonder if it will ever be enough.